Our men are starving. That is, the majority of men are walking through life with unmet emotional needs. Many men, even those who are married, have given up hope.
- I can see it in their faces.
- Hear it in their voices.
- It’s heartbreaking.
Unknowingly, a man’s wife & children often demand
from him the very things he doesn’t have to give.
You were created for your man, Friend. To partner with Your Creator to meet his emotional needs. To lavish him with love. To feed him, if you will.
If he is struggling in any area of his life,
he is probably starving for your
A man who is loved consistently is destined to become
the strong & gentle leader you’ve always wanted him to be.
If you’re thinking, “Yeah, but …” contact me here.
I’d love to hear from you.
Yes, this woman messes up on a regular basis.
- Repeatedly. Frequently.
- And I’ve done it again.
- And I hurt.
Yes, I take risks. I swing the bat. And I strike out. Far more than I get a hit. But when I try to hide my vulnerability, someone else gets hurt. I hate that.
When I take matters into my own hands and pretend like I didn’t mess up or try to prevent others others from knowing about it, I’m living in the flesh. And since I’m dead to sin and alive in Christ, that simply won’t do!
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature;
the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
From Vulnerability to Shame
You’ve no doubt watched a baby learning to walk, yes? He’s vulnerable. He falls down. A lot. He cries. He looks for empathy. But, no matter what, it’s in his DNA to get back up and try again. His vulnerability doesn’t stop him. He’s just learning what doesn’t work in walking. And he’s training his muscles to do what they’re created to do.
However, long before he reaches adulthood …
- life experience will teach him to hide his vulnerability.
- He will go from knowing he’s failed to believing he’s a failure.
- And that’s called shame.
Everyone experiences vulnerability and shame. And everyone knows shame can be debilitating. But men and women think about vulnerability and shame very differently.
Women and Vulnerability
The point where vulnerability hits us women hardest is in our belief that we must do everything perfectly. Like the Proverbs 31 Woman. Which, of course, we can’t. We compare ourselves to other women – mostly the airbrushed ones – and anxiety takes over. Here are two ways to look at it:
- Psychologically: When you hide your vulnerability and set yourself up as “having arrived,” you’re partnering with shame. You’ve set up a wall between you and the man you love. And the disconnection hurts you both. Deeply.
- Spiritually: Jesus has set you free to learn without fearing your failures. Perfect love casts out fear. Because fear has to do with punishment. And God is not about to punish you for being vulnerable. Jesus took your punishment for you so that you would be free to learn to walk in His Righteousness instead. (1 John 4:18)
A decade after “The Psychology of Men” @ APU
Way back in 2008, I taught a full course on men at Azusa Pacific University. As part of the course, we created a blog, The Psych of Men. One post is about Abraham Lincoln, including this quote:
“A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.“
My students added several interesting comments to the post.
Surprisingly, the site still gets a fair number of visitors. Nearly 8 years later, Will from Oklahoma commented,
I am 23 and i can tell you why men fear women, women are really wonderful and we are afraid to screw up you know like that afraid of something that seems too good to be true and at the same time is alive and talking to you. God really knew what he was doing just think how Adam reacted Genesis 2:23 “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” this was basically a gasp of amazement at God’s work.
Yes, “too good to be true” is a little scary.
For both of you. You desire him, but you’re both easily influenced by the culture around you. Which leaves you confused about a healthy man.
Click here to read my list of what a man needs.
or here to read more from the APU blog post.
Then let me know what you think!
A number of books about raising sons have appeared on the market in the past few years, partially in response to a wide acceptance of feminist psychology and the freedom women have come to enjoy.
In gaining their rights (e.g., to be educated, to vote, to work alongside men as equals) within a formerly patriarchal society, women have inadvertently altered men’s social roles as well.
Men, too, have been set free from previously rigid roles as husbands and providers, yet they are left without a clearly defined model of masculinity wherein they are also valued & appreciated, a model that parents could follow in raising emotionally healthy sons.
Boys & Maternal Attachment
This academic exploration of the mother-child relationship gives particular attention to its specific impact on male children & their emotional development. The issue of nature & nurture is addressed, as is the complex topic of boys & vulnerable emotions, with particular emphasis on guilt, humiliation, shame, anxiety, depression, anger, & rage.
You are here. I know it. Creator of all. With me. Paying attention to everything that concerns me. No matter how small my thoughts or off-track they seem.
You are always waiting for me. To notice Your Presence.
You are my Eternal Partner. Because You want to be.
- There’s nothing wrong with me You cannot fix.
- No situation You cannot turn around.
- Everything belongs to You.
Your Primary Plan for me is to hang out with You.
- Pure sweetness.
- Quiet rest.
Yes, I sense Your smile whenever we’re together.
When I look at You & see the reflection of who I am in You.
- You are altogether lovely.
- You are altogether worthy,
- Altogether wonderful to me.
I’m drawn back to You, Lord. For just one touch from You today.
I will give thanks to you forever & ever!
Hallelujah & Amen!
You are so intimately aware of me, Lord!
You read my heart like an open book
Every single moment You are thinking of me!
How precious & wonderful to consider
that You cherish me constantly
in Your every thought! PSALM 139
I spent the better part of the last 18 months in a toxic environment. The woman in charge was fearful. Tight-fisted. Controlling. Max-micro-manager.
She was an emotional bully & my growing disdain for her was understandable.
That is, until the Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus’ words …
“Love your enemies & pray for those who persecute you.” MATTHEW 5:44
So I began to pray for her. Not because I’m all that great.
But because I was all that desperate.
“Lord, I love WhatsHerName. Please bless her & cause her business to grow. Bring peace to her & her environment so that others will be blessed as well.”
I wish The Lord would have answered my prayers as prayed.
Instead, He chose to change something inside me:
- My compassion grew as my frustration & bitterness melted like wax.
- My strength grew as the enemy of my soul lost his foothold.
I’ve moved on. But I’m eternally grateful for the experience.
- Because it taught me a priceless lesson.
- About the beauty of obedience to The Lord.
- And the mysterious ways He makes us more like Him.
So pray for those who are giving you a hard time.
Because that reveals your identity as a child of your Heavenly Father, Who is kind to everyone. He brings the sunrise to warm & rainfall to refresh whether a person does what is good or evil.
- What reward do you deserve if you only love the loveable?
- Don’t even the greatly-dreaded tax collectors do that?
- Why limit your kindness to just your friends?
I know you worry a lot about your husband. I do, too. Sometimes.
But I’m not in control.
Nor do I want to be.
Because when I try to take control, I automatically limit my life to only what I know. The Lord wants more than that for us both!
I’ve never met a confident woman who wants to be in control of her man. She knows that whatever is attained through self-effort will have to be maintained through self-effort. And she has more enough on her plate already. Her own spiritual life. Her children. Her work.
She needs a partner. Not another project.
A wise woman knows she cannot control her man.
He will resist her. Every time.
He might go along with her in the beginning. Mostly because it just seems easier to go along than to assert himself. At the moment. But there will always come a time – it happens in every marriage – when he no longer follows her lead. Something inside him knows that’s just plain wrong.
That’s why a wise woman knows where to place her confidence.
Trust in The Lord with all your heart & soul.
If you’re trying to control, you’re not trusting.
How can you learn to trust The Lord?
- First, you must realize how much He loves you. He loved you first.
- You can’t trust love someone you don’t know. So spend time with Him.
- He loves you way more than you love yourself. And way, way, way more than you love your man!
Therefore, His plans are always way bigger & way more wonderful than yours! Not only for your man. But also for you!
So hang on to your hat, wise woman.
And get ready for Something Bigger instead!
Never doubt God’s mighty power to accomplish Something Bigger. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, & exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all through His miraculous power. EPHESIANS 3:20
Woman was created for Perfect Partnership.
First & foremost, women are called to Perfect Partnership with Jesus.
We love & nurture because He loves & nurtures us!
In other words, our love for others is our grateful response
to the love God first showed towards us. 1 JOHN 4:14
Your next priority is your partnership with your husband.
Adam needed Eve to be a perfect reflection of God’s image. GENESIS 2:18
So your Heavenly Father has equipped you with everything you need.
Because you were fashioned to be the perfect partner for your husband, too.
Everything you need for a life of devotion has already been deposited in you by God’s divine power. Everything was lavished upon you through the rich experience of knowing Him who called you by name & invited you to come to Him through a glorious manifestation of His goodness. 2 PETER 1:3
God’s desire is for Perfect Partnership. You with Him & through Him.
I’m fully confident in this! PHILIPPIANS 1:6
So if you feel stuck, let me know. I’m here to help.
King Solomon’s Book of Wisdom instructs us to guard our hearts. So what does that look like from a Kingdom perspective? Here are a few items to remember as we consider the possibilities:
- First we must know who our enemy actually is.
- Then we must be aware of the ways he attacks our own hearts.
- Finally we must learn how to thwart his attacks and protect our families.
Dearest Heavenly Father,
Take me deeper into the Truth of who I am. Because before I can know what I am created to do, I must know who I am created to be. Teach me to look into the eyes of Jesus where I will see a reflection of the woman I’m known as in Heaven. I know the real me will always be that woman to you, now & forever. But I want to manifest Heaven’s perspective of me in the here-and-now and thereby impact the earth with Thy-Kingdom-Has-Come today.
You have called me Beautiful. Show me what that looks like, Lord. Let’s Heaven’s reality soak every atom, every particle of my physical being. Flood my soul with Your goodness and wash out the filth the enemy deposited in the vulnerable places of my heart, and fill me with Your light. Flavor my personality with the Beauty of Your indwelling spirit.
I am forever Yours.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
Thank you for this day, Lord. I love waking up excited about You!
Therefore, my heart cries out, “Me first, Lord!”
Today I want all You have for me. I want more of Your
love, wisdom, compassion, understanding, blessing, & kindness.
Because I want to give more away, I never want to run low on The Good Stuff. So I’m asking for more, in full knowledge of
Your Endless Generosity & Your Relentless Kindness.
So then what can I ever give back to You
to repay You for the blessings You’ve poured out on me?
I will lift up the cup of Your salvation & praise You extravagantly
for all that You’ve done for me.
Lord, because I am Your loving servant,
You have broken open my life & freed me from my chains.
I’ll worship You passionately & bring to You
my sacrifice of praise, drenched with thanksgiving!
I’ll keep my promise to You, God,
in the presence of Your people, just like I said I would.